you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
