There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
