i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
