Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I met the friendliest cop last night
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
