he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
