I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
