Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
