What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
