so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
