I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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