i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
