she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
