One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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