it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
my liver is dry heaving
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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