He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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