and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
