R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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