they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
