Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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