Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
