Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
