I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
