He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
