i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
