I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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