I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
