Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
