my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wish my penis had a tongue
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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