i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
