Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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