if you like me you must not know who I am
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
