I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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