textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
