M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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