So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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