I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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