as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
