Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
