Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
