I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
