I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
