U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
