Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
