someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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