the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
