Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
