for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
