remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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