Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have fence marks all over my body
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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