just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
