So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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